GWAR’s Manager Sleazy P. Martini Issues Statement About GWAR Eternal Tour

CXNoWy

Toodles, ya parasitic bohabs. It’s me, Sleazy P Martini. As you may already know, GWAR will be out on the GWAR Eternal Tour starting tonight because Thai ladyboys don’t pay for themselves. You smarter Bohabs have probably even noticed that GWAR has undergone a lineup change.

The reason for this is the absence of Oderus Urungus due to his return to space. First of all, let’s clear something up: Oderus is not dead! Nor isGWAR. Now, admittedly things will be different. For instance, with Oderus’s absence, touring expenses will be scaled back considerably as crack usage by the band will drop by over nine tons a day. To which I, the CIA and the Medellin Cartel respond with a collective: “Phew!” Now all those drug mules crossing the border can use the extra butt space for more important things such as food, water and more relatives.

Of course, there are many in the scene (code for no-talents) who say that with Oderus out of the band, GWAR should hang it up. To which I must respond: If I wanted your opinion, I would just knock you unconscious and urinate on your face. Which wouldn’t elicit much of an opinion at all – just the way I like it. You see, GWAR is a perpetual and unstoppable force. If I tried to retire them, I most certainly would end up flayed, shredded, pulled and served with coleslaw and fries to Gor-Gor. One who is a lion tamer cannot suddenly decide to stop and ask his lions to become house cats. And GWAR‘s lust for human carnage cannot properly be met in semi-retirement on the talk-show circuit. So the shows must go on. And they have, starting with Riot Fest in Chicago. The GWAR Eternal Tour starts tonight in Norfolk, VA.  and goes through December 13th in Baltimore, MD

Now, there are some who would say, “How can you find a lead singer as talented as Oderus Urungus?” To which I have responded by having famed archeologist Dr. Richard Leaky travel to Antarctica to dig up another immortal Scumdog. According to Dr. Dick, these furballs are stacked up in GWAR‘s fortress basement like chicken pot pies four for a buck. In fact, I have already thawed out one promising prospect named Blóthar. While not as talented a singer as most primates, he’s definitely better than Justin Bieber or the entire One Direction line up.

So, in response to all you haters who would give your left nut to see GWARfinally call it quits, you can go ahead and keep your left nut and hang it from your nose-ring for another 30 years, because GWAR AIN’T GOING NOWHERE!  And though you may think GWAR sucks, remember thatGWAR is immortal. So, long after your lame hipster ass is in the ground being used as a luxury condo by worms, maggots and pill bugs, GWAR will still be alive, sucking forever.

GWAR W/ Decapitated and American Sharks:

10/15: Norfolk, VA @ The Norva

10/16: Sayreville, NJ @ Starland Ballroom

10/17: Stroudsburg, PA @ Sherman Theater

10/18: Worcester, MA @ The Palladium – “Rock and Shock Festival”

10/19: Buffalo, NY @ The Town Ballroom

10/21: Louisville, KY @ Expo Five****

10/22: Memphis, TN @ New Daisy Theater

10/23: Dallas, TX @ Gas Monkey Live

10/24: New Orleans, LA @ House of Blues

10/25: Austin, TX @ Emo’s – “Housecore Horror Film Festival*

10/26: Houston, TX @ Warehouse Live

10/28: Oklahoma City, OK @ Diamond Ballroom

10/29: Sauget, IL @ Pop’s Nightclub

10/30: Lawrence, KS @ Granada Theater

10/31: Denver, CO @ The Summit Music Hall**

11/1: Albuquerque, NM @ Sunshine Theater

11/2: Tempe, AZ @ The Marquee

11/3: Santa Ana, CA @ The Observatory

11/4: Reno, NV @ Knitting Factory Concert House

11/5: San Francisco, CA @ The Regency Ballroom

11/6: Hollywood, CA @ House of Blues

11/7: Las Vegas, NV @ Hard Rock Live

11/8: Magna, UT @ The Great Salt Air

11/10: Boise, ID @ Knitting Factory Concert House

11/11: Portland, OR @ Roseland Theater

11/12: Seattle, WA @ Showbox SODO

GWAR W/ TBA and American Sharks:

11/14: Vancouver, BC and Commodore Ballroom

GWAR W/ Corrosion of Conformity and American Sharks:

11/15: Spokane, WA @ Knitting Factory Concert House

11/16: Calgary, AB @ MacEwan Hall Ballroom

11/17: Edmonton, AB @ Union Hall

11/19: Fargo, ND @ The Venue

11/20: Minneapolis, MN @ Skyway Theater

11/21: Milwaukee, WI @ The Rave

11/22: Detroit, MI @ Harpo’s

11/23: Grand Rapids, MI @ The Intersection***

11/25: Indianapolis, IN @ The Vogue

11/26: Cleveland, OH @ House of Blues

11/28: Charlotte, NC @ Tremont Music Hall

11/29: Philadelphia, PA @ Electric Factory

11/30: New York, NY @ Irving Plaza

12/2: Nashville, TN @ Exit/In

12/3: Asheville, NC @ The Orange Peel

12/4: Pensacola, FL @ Venue 578

12/5: Orlando, FL @ Firestone Live

12/6: Atlanta, GA @ The Masquerade

12/7: Columbus, OH @ Newport Music Hall

12/8: Millvale, PA @ Mr. Smalls Theater

12/9: Toronto, ON @ Opera House

12/10: Montreal, QC @ Virgin Mobile Corona Theater

12/11: Clifton Park, NY @ Upstate Concert Hall

12/12: New Haven, CT @ Toad’s Place

12/13: Baltimore, MD @ Baltimore Sound Stage

*No American Sharks

**Havok plays on this show

*** The Meatmen play on this show

**** Huntress plays on this show

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